Over the last 2 weeks I’ve done an incredible amount of thinking and just processing my life.
1. I’ve married a wonderful man who I’m crazy in love with who I will never feel good enough for, that’s okay though because love conquers all. May be, one day even my lack of self confidence.
2. I want a family. It’s crazy the feeling of family you get when you are married then you think oh we could add a 3rd Morgan (but not yet)
3. The past. I have thought an awful lot about the way my life could’ve turned out.
From the moment I entered the world my parents never dreamed how hard I would make their life. Like all 1st babies your parents are full of anticipation, excitement, worry and an unconditional love but I just happened to be that much harder.
At 18 months old I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid arthritis, genetically passed on from my mum, I was an enigma. I started walking late because I physically couldn’t (gratefully I don’t remember any of this.)
From the age of 6 I was in and out of a wheelchair and in and out of hospital. I was barely at school which probably answers why I don’t have many friends and cannot really communicate with people my age…. I started secondary school full time by year 10 (I’d done a few days from years 7 to 9 but that probably all adds up to a month) Yet I came out with grades from A’s to C’s (Okay may be 2 D’s but they don’t count.) You can ask anyone but I don’t ever ‘blow my own trumpet’ so to speak but as I was looking at my GCSE grades I had a moment of pride of when I thought of how little education I really had.
During year 10 I had the worst thing happen to me that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I lost my support, my best friend and my hospital buddy. For anyone who’s lost their mum at a young age they will understand the feeling you get in your gut when that look is given to youand you just know. I was stood at the front of my school as my dad came to get me we walked out to the car and Boo got out and he just looked at us with such a deep sadness and I broke down there and then it wasn’t real….. I still like to think that she’s in intensive care in derriford now and that she will come back any day but I know the reality!
This was THE hardest thing I’ve ever experienced but worse was to come I had to become the mum figure. The washing was mine, the cooking was mine, the ironing, the looking after when everyone is ill, a support and so much more in 24 hours my life changed I took all this on the moment I knew she was gone… I got straight to it looking after everyone making drinks and food if anyone fancied (which no one did.) Then I was back to school in a week to do part of my GCSE and put on that horrible ‘brave’ face and have false people ask how I was and say they were thinking of me….
Every day during my GCSE’s I came home, did seminary, cooked dinner and then cleaned up after, revised or completed my art and the slept….. this was my life and people wonder why I stand up for my siblings, in a stange sort of way I’m there an example of a mother for their teenage stage and it’s hard for someone who’s not even a mother of their own children.
I continued the same routine through my A levels and came out with 3 C’s
How I will never know
Now I’m still arthritic and struggling but I have a husband who loves meand is the most amazing support, helping me when im having a bad day and being the first person to not say to me that my disease is just ‘laziness’ and I managed to get myself a job…. not just any job my dream job as a TA in a lovely primary school.
I have achieved in my eye’s so much, I know to others what I’ve done is nothing but I hope that one day my siblings can thank me for being a support when they have their own kids and understand what I stepped up to do. However I would never have backed down and left them to fend for themselves……..
I wish I could change the past but the only thing I’d change would be to spend so much more time with my mum and be 1 million times more grateful for everything she always did for me. I can only hope I’ve shown that back by the way I have helped to raise my siblings.
I am proud of all 3 of us! I don’t think they will ever understand.