I feel like all I have done is complain and moan over the last 6 month’s or so and I caught myself do it yesterday, in my blog which I shared with you all. I know my feelings are valid as I am a mother separated from her daughter, it hurts I will never play it down nor would I wish being a NICU mum on anyone, however there are good things in my life.
1. My husband.
He’s an incredible man who I haven’t given enough credit. He’s been going back and forth every day from the hospital starting at the end of October for 10 days and then from the end of January to early March to see me (and Lydia with her suprise entrance in February) and is continuing to go to and from the hospital to see lydia, sometimes twice a day if he can drop me on his lunch break. I could never do what he’s done, I was so broken yesterday and I’ve only been doing it for 3 or so weeks… I would be nothing without him!!
My beautiful baby girl, she’s so strong and brave and putting up this fight because she wants to be with us. I am so grateful for her. I feel so blessed to have this opportunity to be a mummy to our tiny precious angel and she will never understand how much I love her. I will never take for granted that I get to hold her everyday when she’s home, I will cherish every moment together and as a family as I can’t hold my baby at this moment in time and it hurts to have people telling you, as parents, that you can’t hold your own baby but I will just hold her all the more when she gets home!!!
3. Natural labour.
I am so grateful that, although early, my little princess came naturally because if I’d have had a c section at the time she arrived they would have had to cut up my belly instead of across and that usually means you can’t have any more children. Not that I’m thinking about it but it’s nice to know the option is there instead of it being completely taken from me. I also learnt how strong my body truly is as I gave birth on 15 liters of oxygen and completely recovered.
All the doctors and nurses who have and continue to look after my princess are INCREDIBLE! All NICU staff are angels and genuinely care for the babies and want what’s best for them which helps me feel confident leaving her there, don’t get me wrong it still hurts everytime I have to leave, but I know she is in safe hands and that people look after her too well.
5. Family and friends
The overwhelming support via text, message or phone call has been incredible I’ve learnt that true friends will be there no matter what and family always have been and always will be my families biggest support system (Not just because of the size of the family) I will never be able to pay them back for their support and kindness but I am so grateful for them.
It’s a rocky one but at moments like these I am very grateful for my upbringing as I have been able to hold it together with the knowledge that there is a God who doesn’t want to do me and my baby harm this is just a really tough life trial that has been thrown at us. At the end of it we will be stronger. Mine and Josh’s relationship is already stronger than before and I thought it was pretty strong to begin with. We are a family and we feel that when we are together and when we are apart. We have faith that Lydia will be in our arms soon.
There’s still so much more I am grateful for but I just need to remember to think about these 6 things everyday to stop me from going mad!