Stop it!

Stop it!

I feel like all I have done is complain and moan over the last 6 month’s or so and I caught myself do it yesterday, in my blog which I shared with you all. I know my feelings are valid as I am a mother separated from her daughter, it hurts I will never play it down nor would I wish being a NICU mum on anyone, however there are good things in my life. 
1. My husband.

He’s an incredible man who I haven’t given enough credit. He’s been going back and forth every day from the hospital starting at the end of October for 10 days and then from the end of January to early March to see me (and Lydia with her suprise entrance in February) and is continuing to go to and from the hospital to see lydia, sometimes twice a day if he can drop me on his lunch break. I could never do what he’s done, I was so broken yesterday and I’ve only been doing it for 3 or so weeks… I would be nothing without him!! 

2. Lydia! 

My beautiful baby girl, she’s so strong and brave and putting up this fight because she wants to be with us. I am so grateful for her. I feel so blessed to have this opportunity to be a mummy to our tiny precious angel and she will never understand how much I love her. I will never take for granted that I get to hold her everyday when she’s home, I will cherish every moment together and as a family as I can’t hold my baby at this moment in time and it hurts to have people telling you, as parents, that you can’t hold your own baby but I will just hold her all the more when she gets home!!! 
3. Natural labour.

I am so grateful that, although early, my little princess came naturally because if I’d have had a c section at the time she arrived they would have had to cut up my belly instead of across and that usually means you can’t have any more children. Not that I’m thinking about it but it’s nice to know the option is there instead of it being completely taken from me. I also learnt how strong my body truly is as I gave birth on 15 liters of oxygen and completely recovered. 

4. NICU 

All the doctors and nurses who have and continue to look after my princess are INCREDIBLE! All NICU staff are angels and genuinely care for the babies and want what’s best for them which helps me feel confident leaving her there, don’t get me wrong it still hurts everytime I have to leave, but I know she is in safe hands and that people look after her too well.

5. Family and friends 

The overwhelming support via text, message or phone call has been incredible I’ve learnt that true friends will be there no matter what and family always have been and always will be my families biggest support system (Not just because of the size of the family) I will never be able to pay them back for their support and kindness but I am so grateful for them.

6. Faith.

It’s a rocky one but at moments like these I am very grateful for my upbringing as I have been able to hold it together with the knowledge that there is a God who doesn’t want to do me and my baby harm this is just a really tough life trial that has been thrown at us. At the end of it we will be stronger. Mine and Josh’s relationship is already stronger than before and I thought it was pretty strong to begin with. We are a family and we feel that when we are together and when we are apart. We have faith that Lydia will be in our arms soon. 

There’s still so much more I am grateful for but I just need to remember to think about these 6 things everyday to stop me from going mad! 

Defeated!

You’ve got to be strong.

Your daughter needs you.

There is so much pressure on this ‘you’ person who apparently is me and I’m crumbling.

6 weeks of NICU (7 weeks tomorrow) and our daughter is poorlier and the doctors aren’t sure what she’s poorly with. They toyed with a blood transfusion over the last 3 days but now they think it’s an infection AGAIN but they aren’t giving her anything for it except more oxygen and moved her back to high dependency 😦 

She’s poorly and needs you.

I know this trust me I do but when you’ve sat there for nearly 7 weeks and watched her get stronger to then be hit with her being poorly it’s taken it out of me emotionally and I don’t feel like I can be there for her and if I am there’s no point me being there…

She just needs time.

We’ll time can suck it! I did my time in hospital and now she’s done hers… let us home! 

Does she take a bottle? 

No we were breastfeeding.

Oh.

Yeah she was healthy enough to latch and now I’ve had that taken away from me until she is better again, most people experience their child stopping breastfeeding when they or the mum is ready not just starting and then having it ripped away from you without any choice and no one understands how much that hurts.

I’m emotionally and physically shattered, the phone rings and I think it’s something bad, I sleep a bit too long and worry I’ve missed something important about her during morning rounds.

Now I don’t want to see for a couple of days because I can’t see her like that and I feel even more guilty…. All I do is cry and blame myself, if I knew this was parenting I might have reconsidered!

Even though it reads like I’m complaining I do love her that’s why it bothers me and why I feel guilty! I don’t know what I’m doing any more!!!!

Pickled in pink 

Never did I expect to be picking out pink clothes and blankets for my precious princess! I was adamant that baby Morgan would be a boy and I bought the sweetest outfit for him to come home in and we bought a girl one just incase, however also not part of my plan was a prem baby! 

28 weeks and 4 days our teeny princess arrived (during labour I didn’t even care what baby Morgan would be as long as they were born alive) Now at 34 weeks and 6 we are still in NICU still just plodding along trying to cope with only seeing her for a few hours a day as I still have to rest and recover and it’s tough, I mean heart wrenchingly painful, I wake up in the night not because my baby is crying but because I need to express for her, I wake up in the morning to an empty house and know someone is missing… this tiny little princess has taken up the other half of my heart (obviously my husband got first dibs on the first half) and to have to be separated doesn’t feel fair.

People say it’s for her good ect ect and I know that but in reality if she wasn’t yet born then at least she’d be in my belly where she follows me everywhere… I miss that connection, I desperately miss being pregnant I don’t feel like I got a fair chance at it and I highly doubt I will get to do it again (which absolutely destroys me the thought of my body not being able to have another but that’s a selfish different kettle of fish) but I am incredibly grateful that she’s healthy, no matter where she is that’s all I could ask for is that she is healthy and loved (that was going to be the case anyway) 

I love being pickled in pink and know that she is our miracle baby and our favourite blessing and I feel blessed to have the opportunity to be a mum to little Lidleberry.

Well I’m a bad mum then…

There are so many things out there that say, after birth you will only bond with your baby if you do these things or to produce enough milk for them you need skin on skin straight away and there is always a comment that says if you don’t do these things you won’t bond with your baby ect ect 
Now had I not have been in this position I would never have felt anything towards these posts but since having my own little lady they bug me….

My daughter was prem. She came at 28 weeks and 4 days, so quite early and completely naturally therefore when she was born (alive and well I must add) I got to give her a kiss on the head before she went off to NICU intensive care… I had no skin on skin for a week, I didn’t see her for nearly 48 hours after having her (wasn’t my own choice it completely destroyed me) and she had so many tubes and wires I was terrified looking at her…. 

I appreciate this isn’t your normal birth story (Just wait until I share the labour part let’s just say first baby and no anti natal classes…. Help!) But I want to say to other mums out there in this situation, similar or even worse… none of that matters… you carried that gorgeous bundle for as long as you did and now professional help will be what keeps them alive and makes them stronger! You have already got a bond with your baby, I worried for weeks that my baby wouldn’t love me and that I let her down. The way I coped with this was expressing for her, seeing my milk help her to get chunky. Don’t get me wrong I cried a lot and nearly gave up in the first month but a highly supportive husband helped drag me through the down times. 

I sound like I know my stuff but I am completely blaggin it, I’ve been a mum for 25 days and I still have so much to left to learn but that’s the joy of becoming a parent. 

I love my daughter and that’s literally all that matters because she is my miracle and will try and be the best mum possible to her.