Defeated!

You’ve got to be strong.

Your daughter needs you.

There is so much pressure on this ‘you’ person who apparently is me and I’m crumbling.

6 weeks of NICU (7 weeks tomorrow) and our daughter is poorlier and the doctors aren’t sure what she’s poorly with. They toyed with a blood transfusion over the last 3 days but now they think it’s an infection AGAIN but they aren’t giving her anything for it except more oxygen and moved her back to high dependency 😦 

She’s poorly and needs you.

I know this trust me I do but when you’ve sat there for nearly 7 weeks and watched her get stronger to then be hit with her being poorly it’s taken it out of me emotionally and I don’t feel like I can be there for her and if I am there’s no point me being there…

She just needs time.

We’ll time can suck it! I did my time in hospital and now she’s done hers… let us home! 

Does she take a bottle? 

No we were breastfeeding.

Oh.

Yeah she was healthy enough to latch and now I’ve had that taken away from me until she is better again, most people experience their child stopping breastfeeding when they or the mum is ready not just starting and then having it ripped away from you without any choice and no one understands how much that hurts.

I’m emotionally and physically shattered, the phone rings and I think it’s something bad, I sleep a bit too long and worry I’ve missed something important about her during morning rounds.

Now I don’t want to see for a couple of days because I can’t see her like that and I feel even more guilty…. All I do is cry and blame myself, if I knew this was parenting I might have reconsidered!

Even though it reads like I’m complaining I do love her that’s why it bothers me and why I feel guilty! I don’t know what I’m doing any more!!!!

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