So the other day there was a HCA who was talking about how much we hold Lydia when there with her and I said
“It’s how she is most settled, her sats are good and she’s comfy”
her reply was “Don’t make a rod for your own back”
I politely smiled and then thought about what she said, at first I thought oh no I’m obviously doing something wrong but then I thought again. How many mothers of newborns just hold their baby all the time, day or night because they can… Well I couldn’t when she was born, for weeks I spent 15 minutes to an hour a day (yes A DAY) staring at my 2 pound tinker in an incubator and now I spend at least 7 hours with littlen’ in NICU and YES I’m going to cuddle her the whole time because other parents get 24 hours with their babies so politely I will cuddle her until I’m blue in the face as no one ever said “I spend 7 hours holding my baby, well that was a waste of time”
My baby needs me to cuddle her therefore I will cuddle her….
I am a HUGE fan of music which include multiple different genres and I heard defying gravity from wicked a few years back. Little did I realise it would feel like my life.
Every day I feel like I am trying to defy gravity, I’m pushed to my limits and trying to over come the impossible.
Recently Lydia contracted RSV which shows up like a cold but is pretty serious in prem babies so we moved back rooms into high dependency. That was okay, I could cope as she was getting the extra care she needed for the time being, however she was then put in an incubator again as she was infectious and all the memories of tiny 28 weeks and 4 days old lydia came flooding back and that killed me but to make it worse they said I can’t get her out and cuddle her…. A whole week I waited to hold and kiss my baby again, I didn’t think my heart could take anymore by this point.
We are now at 36 weeks and 5 days with no sign of coming home as she’s still recovering and is very sleepy so isn’t breastfeeding when I need her too (so there has been more of a push towards bottle feeding but with my expressed milk, the question is when do you express while you have a baby at home… I don’t have the time or energy for that but I don’t want her on formula because that’s no good for her… sorry this is my internal dialogue which had been pulling me apart in the last 24 hours) The only way she’s getting home is with either the oxygen or the feeding tube… not both but she can’t drop on her oxygen at the moment and I can’t do anymore than I am in regards to feeding because I can only sit in the hospital for so long. I feel like we are going around in circles she’s better but not good enough to come home and now that’s all I want! 58 days we’ve spent going back and forth to the hospital to give her milk, cuddle her and change her nappies…. that’s not being a parent that’s being a part time carer! I miss her so much! I don’t feel worthy to be her mummy but I am so grateful and so ready to have her home with me….
Please let her get home soon!!