New beginnings 

New beginnings 

For everyone the birth of a baby is a new beginning, everything changes, literally everything especially having a prem. 

I’ve wanted to write this for a while but I could find the right words. 

Lydia I write this for you.

In August I fell pregnant with you, I was slightly worried but more than anything I was overjoyed, I was growing you in my belly and keeping you safe. I kept working and growing you for the first 3 months with no problems at all, you didn’t even give me any morning sickness! (Thank you for that) Then it all went down hill. Mummy got poorly and fast. I ended up in hospital with a bad chest infection so they thought and I was put on oxygen, only 2 liters, and was put through lots of tests, all of which I did my best to protect you from as I was 14 weeks pregnant and no one really worried about you in my belly so I just had to hope you were okay. I was then sent home 10 days later with oxygen for moving. I coped on that through Christmas and having your 20 week scan helped. Mummy and daddy got to see every bit of you, your heart, your legs, you blowing bubbles and I just grew to love you so much more. However less than a month later I was rushed into hospital barely 23 weeks pregnant on 15 liters of oxygen and still not feeling like I could breath! Again more tests were performed on mummy and I was filled with drugs until I rattled and all I could think about was you! My gorgeous baby who would get some of these drugs into her system because of me and if you were born you weren’t viable, the hospital wouldn’t have tried to save you my gorgeous girl and the thought of that hurt more than any pain my lungs were in. I feared for you, I cried daily for you and worst of all I let you down. 

Eventually we found out I had PCP pneumonia which I had from the first time I was in hospital but no body could find it. I hoped everyday I would get better and everyday I was one step closer to 24 weeks… Each day was a day safer for you! I had daily scans up on the hospital ward and there was a plan to c section you at 34 weeks as that would give you the best chance but you had other ideas. 

I was still in hospital on 15 liters and you were 28 weeks and 4 days and then you decided at 10 pm you were going to send mummy into labour, completely naturally you decided you were ready. However I wasn’t! I was rushed down to delivery with daddy and then at 11.59 you made your entrance and made this world just a little more beautiful! 

I didn’t know what was going to happen. You were born breach into a sandwich bag completely naturally, without time for pain relief  (good job your were little else I’d never let you live that down) but I barely remember the birth (ask your dad if you want more on that) all I remember, that still haunts me to this day is that cry you made as you were born! I couldn’t believe you were alive, it was a miracle! But then you were take away from me as quickly as you had been born. I gave you a kiss on your forehead and away you went. It took me days until I could see you because I was on the oxygen and you were in NICU but when I did see you I didn’t know what to do. You were crying and you were more wires and tubes than baby. I don’t know if you will ever understand (I actually hope you don’t have to) but I expressed at least 8 times a day for 3 months so you could get the best start in life but I spent most of my time expressing while in hospital which isn’t the easiest of places to get privacy as you can imagine! 

Finally I got out of hospital and then nearly 2 months later you got out of NICU! My beautiful baby girl, you put up such a fight in there and I am so proud of you… your daddy and I can never pay you back for what you went through to be with us. We don’t deserve you beautiful. 

I never thought I’d be writing this with you on my chest and the only extra support you need is a teeny bit of oxygen  (0.06 to be exact) and some high calorie milk (which you currently detest and try and guilt me into breastfeeding you every feed but you have a weight gain issue like mummy) 

Finally you are home having cuddles everyday! We can finally have our new beginning.

I’m so proud of you! I’m sorry I let you down and gave you a tough start to life, if I could have carried you full term I would do it in a heartbeat but selfishly I would do anything to have you because you are beautiful and perfect. 

P.s remember through all of this your daddy was incredible! He stuck it out, he came to and from the hospital everyday for 6 month’s to see both of us. He loves us so much sweetie and cooes over you everyday when he comes home from work. He won’t let anything bad happen to you angel!

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NICU Naivety.

NICU Naivety.

Something all NICU parents suffer with is NICU naivety. This is where you see your baby with all these tubes and wires on them and you still think they will be home in a few weeks. The days grow into weeks and the weeks into months and you still cling onto the fact they will be home soon. 

Eventually most parents grow out of this and you just start to take every day you are given. NICU becomes home and you don’t even think about your baby coming home! However there are some people who you over hear who haven’t grown out of their naivety and they watch their baby desat massively on a download  (now from experience you know that’s a fail) and they still believe their baby will be home in a week but you don’t have the heart to burst their bubble and even though they are still there 2 weeks later they keep their naivety which destroys you as you know how much it hurts! 

I know the doctors mean well by giving you times you’ll be home but if anything it feeds this naivety and just ends up destroying you! We were told aim for your due date and now we are nearly 2 weeks past that and that hurts because I’m now missing out on time with my baby! All we can do is ask the right questions and take each day as it comes (plus think fatty thoughts as that’s all that’s keeping squishy in hospital is that she didn’t gain enough weight) 

I can’t wait to see what today brings!