It doesn’t go away

I was naive and I’ll admit that, the day I put my baby in her car seat and we were coming home from NICU I thought we’d left the hospital behind, well I thought we deserved it but in less than a month of being home guess where we ended up… you’re right, in hospital!! 
I was fed up to say the least I did my kicking and screaming blaming every man and woman that walked the earth and then I accepted her fate. 

So here I am, 2 weeks in, 8 million grey hairs, no answers and suitcases under my eyes! What did we do to deserve this! Lydia is missing out on daddy time and daddy’s missing out on lydia time and it breaks my heart because they love each other and need that bond to form and selfishly I need someone who can hold her for a few hours so I can wee and have 2 minutes to stretch….

This has just been another test thrown our way and we’ve tried to make the best of it, today we had a picnic on the hospital grounds in the sun and went back to the ward where she was nearly born so we had a lovely day but then Josh had to go home…. NO I’m done with this separation I got married because I wanted to be with Josh forever (and because he is sexy) so please let’s leave the hospital and have a life together as our family.

I’m ashamed to admit I’ve nearly given up on Lydia a few times and I’ve hit that point again today as they changed her feeds to 3 hourly which means 30 mins of fussing and feeding then 10 mins trying not to be sick but she usually is then 10 mins of  cuddles and calming, that leaves me with 2 hours sleep before I need to wake up to do the next feed and do it all day and night… insert zombie mummy here…. 

I’m tired of it all I’m not going to lie, I want my baby back, I want my husband back but most of all I want the joint parenting responsibility back, I love lydia but she’s getting big and I can’t hold her all the time but I have too when she’s stressing, Josh and I co parent and I miss that! 

I feel very alone right now and know we won’t get to be home anytime soon so I guess I just have to deal with it…..

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