I will not bow!

I recently re found the love of my life in the form of breaking Benjamin *disclaimer I don’t mean maiming my brother they are a band* 
I found them just in time as they have this gorgeous song which sums up my hospital experience with Lydia. It’s called I will not bow and the bit I have been singing to myself is this and I shall explain why in a moment 

“All is lost again, but I’m not giving in! I will not bow, I will not break, I will shut the world away. I will not fall, I will not fade, I will take your breath away.” 

I felt completely broken to be back in hospital with her when there is obviously nothing wrong, the doctors haven’t found anything but refuse to let her go and then yesterday we had a visit from possibly the most unpleasant doctor ever…. He was from gastro.

Up until this point I’d gone alone with the doctors and their theories and nodded as I agreed, yet again, for someone to hurt my daughter for no reason and finally after 3 weeks we’d broken the doctors down and they started to consider home for us (yay) 

Anyway back to yesterday. Things were looking up oh finally (paramour quote for fun thrown in there) Lydia was doing a 24 hour oxygen download to see if she can come home on 0.3 and more tests were negative but then BOOM in come a black cloud at half 6 talking about peg lines, how there is no way she can go home, 2 hourly feeds and my favourite how he’d ‘read’ her notes. 

Now don’t get me wrong all the doctors so far have aimed to get us home and have really tried hard to find whatever they could in the first 2 weeks and then this ‘doctor’ saunters in on week 3 and decides he wants to put his 2 pennies worth in. Luckily the super husband was with me to bash him down a peg or two and explain we are going home next week (hopefully but we didn’t want him to think he had us) and if you wanted imput you’ve had 3 weeks to do so. 

I’m not one to get a bit argumentative But after a fair amount of disagreeing with him he then decided to say

‘What do you think makes her sick’ 

I then proceeded to explain how it’s the NG tube as we went through this in nicu and if you read her discharge notes it’s all in there. To which he went quite and explained again to me how it’s 99.9% unlikely to be the case….. 

Okay, I understand I don’t have a degree but I grew up in hospitals, I’ve now been through NICU (even the nurses joked I’m qualified enough to join them) and I’m starting to believe that mothers intuition is a real thing because everytime I’ve said something I’ve been right so ultimately I will not bow to this man, he can try and break me but I’m ready for a fight! There’s no way he’s putting a pic line in a perfectly healthy baby just because she’s sick after feeds…  not a chance!!! 

I’m here for you Lydia, me and your daddy will fight for you until we are blue in the face if we have too, just keep fighting for us baby girl… those wonderful feet have places to go!! 


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