My heart aches

I have a heavy heart this evening as tomorrow my daughter will be having an NJ tube put down and will be on continuous feeds…
Why a heavy heart I hear you say, well you asked! 

My beautiful girly has fought for her life from week 14 pretty much, she’s done so well to get through Nicu to only leave on a small amount of oxygen, until it all went wrong a month after she got home. 

She started to refuse bottles so wasn’t gaining much weight and then ended up with an NG tube which she was fed via, however she was then being violently sick so still wasn’t gaining enough weight so we ended up in hospital and after a month of faffing and getting no answers we are left with the NJ tube to hopefully be the solution to all her problems including her increase in oxygen…. 

Basically, she’s exhausted, I’m exhausted, daddy’s exhausted and we just want to be a family. She doesn’t deserve all of this. So many prems leave NICU Scott – free which then makes me feel like it’s my fault as a mum. Why us? I just wanted to carry her for a while longer so that she wouldn’t have these problems. I just wanted a normal pregnancy like most of the population get. I don’t want to be told by doctors not to have another baby but I also don’t want to hurt another baby. I’m stubborn not stupid! My heart aches for Squishy!

I wanted so many things for both Josh and I and it makes my heart ache. Our daughter is beautiful and I love her I just wish things could’ve been different! 

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