Fresh eyes

I feel like I’ve done a lot of wo is me, my life’s tough style blogs recently and in all honesty my life is tough, however, I’m not belittling what we’ve been through but life is what you make it therfore I’ve decided to look at our experience in a whole new light.
I nearly lost my baby girl before she was 6 month’s old… In fact I nearly lost her 3 times! Yet the most recent scare has made me realise how blessed I am to be able to hold my baby. 

I appreciate how matter of fact I may seem about this but I honestly didn’t expect Lydia to live. I knew the statistics of premmies, the numbers and because of how poorly I was I saw her chances weaning everyday I was getting weaker. However everyday for a month I heard that tiny heart beat pounding away safe in my tummy but I knew in my heart it was only a matter of time before she had to be removed for both of our safety. When she arrived it turned out to be the best thing for both of us as we thrived. Both of us were getting bigger and stronger! This was my first glimpse into the simplicity of life, of a greater beings plan because if she wasn’t ment to be here she wouldn’t have survived the birth! 

The second time was RSV. We were really stupid and looked it up on Google. Turns out it’s a massive killer of premmies but Lydia fought that off in about 2 weeks… now try and tell me she’s not ment to be here…

Finally (well the last time for now) was the most recent one where she had to be intubated and paralysed and transported to Bristol. We had no idea of the severity of the situation until we arrived here and we were told that it was a miracle she was breathing on her own, any longer in derriford and she probably wouldn’t have made it. 

Now look me in my face and say little Lydia isn’t the biggest of miracles that has ever graced this planet! 

We know how lucky we are and sometimes I believe we’re luckier than most as we know how to truly appreciate Lydia as we’ve witnessed too many times how fragile life is but we’ve also seen the fight that can be found in something so tiny. 

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Discrimination 

Okay do that might be a bit of a strong word but I’m feeling frustrated!
So far people have been lovely to me in Bristol and have just treated me like a parent however today I meet the only two people who make me sound like an incompetent cripple and it really, really angers me…. 

My favourite quote was well I see you with oxygen and can’t imagine you can do much… WOW! For working in a children’s hospital just wow! And ‘I’ve seen you walk and you walk quite slow’ well firstly I have small legs that I’m trying to gain muscle back in from being bed ridden for 3 months (not forgetting sofa bound before that) so excuse me if I take my time and secondly I’m dealing with hell of a lot emotionally and physically so walking quickly isn’t my priority. Finally, maybe I just like to take in the scenery…. 

And to the SALT lady who doesn’t believe me that Lydia will refuse bottles, well just you wait and see! Plus how dare you question my supply and say I can breastfeed for comfort… I have enough milk to satisfy my baby don’t take that away from me as if I’ve not had enough hits already! 

I’m here for my daughter at the end of the day, if you don’t think I can do it that’s your perogative but I’ll tell you that I manage and not only that I do it WITH oxygen. The oxygen doesn’t hold me back it just means I’m a parent with a bit more on my plate and you know what, keeping Lydia safe at home will be the easy bit. I don’t need adaptations made I’m going to get stronger for Lydia and not need oxygen anymore, see where you stick your discrimination then!!

Anyway there’s a high chance I’ve taken everything they’ve said the wrong way because I’m exhausted but I’m grateful for the chaplain lady who came to see me and just say nice things about Lydia, that’s what I need in life. 

Oh and a final thing, I dare you to walk a mile in my shoes… let’s see how far you get!

Nostalgia 

A year ago I had no idea that my body was creating a miracle.
I distinctly remember feeling completely exhausted this time last year. I was going to work, coming home, prepping dinner (if I could pre prep) and then locking myself away with some tv series (I think it was reign) but then I’d remember waking up 2 episodes in and thinking well that wasn’t the plan… plus I’d then fall asleep around 9pm! I wasn’t hugely worried as I always had been a bit of a sleeper. It then dawned on me that a certain monthly visit was a bit late, not worryingly maybe a few days so again I just kept plodding along but then Josh and I needed to go shopping for milk and nice things for a movie day and I threw out there that maybe we should get some pregnancy tests, in the most casual way possible. I tried not to get him excited over the idea so I was a bit like yeah just incase you never know and then 3 days later on a Saturday morning I was like I need to know (I think it was about 7.30 as Josh had just left for work and I knew no one else in the house would be awake) I took the test and there it was a very strong positive line… utterly flabbergasted I went back into the room and I sobbed! I sobbed my heart out! I was happy, excited, terrified and shocked… We were going to be parents, my body had manages to start forming a human! I also didn’t get too excited for fear that I wasn’t strong enough to carry a baby.

So there I am processing all this information without Josh (don’t worry I tell him nicely) and then think I can’t text this kind of thing that would be awful but I also need him to know. So I text him and ask if he wants to go to the moors after work (our favourite past time) as I want to play with my new camera and it has been a nice sunny day. He agrees and we go about our days however I was a million times more cautious. I cleaned the toilets but casually was like hey boo I forgot to put bleach down them could you and I kept windows open when cleaning but I tried to be so subtle so she didn’t click.

Anyway Josh got back we went to the moors and we sat there chatting then I gave him a present (it was a baby sleep suit) and as they say the rest was history! He was over the moon and terrified (had we have known what was to come we’d have been a lot more terrified) 

I look back on that day often and think that’s when life began for us! I found out I was pregnant. We then got approval for the house. Then a move in date. For a short while we were the happiest couple growing their family.

Now we’re the happiest couple waiting and fighting to get their family back!!!! 

Final shout out to my 5 week old baby pooch and nose in the picture but it’s one of the few I have of my pregnancy.