The Green eyed monster that consumes your life never had control of me. I always felt sad about not being normal but I accepted quite early on that this was to be my fate, until, I met the wonderful Josh who bought so much colour and joy into my life. Things started to go right! I was on meds that’s controlled my arthritis and I had very little side effects (it was just toxic and I was ill for a day or 2, manageable)
Anyway we then did the crazy in love thing and got married and then we were stupid… We made a baby! Whopps!
Anyway Lydia ended up being prem and left NICU a week or so after her due date with oxygen and then had weight issues when she got home and ended up with an NG tube and then after still no weight gain an admission onto hospital after 3 weeks at home… The jealousy started to take hold at this point as we seemed to be the only ones admitted after we left and as things got worse I just became sad, I carried a black cloud around everyday that became my safety net.
Then we ended up in PICU on bristol, however through all of this I was numb, I stopped feeling anything, happiness didn’t even come into my vocabulary until I dug so deep it hurt.
Finally we made it onto a ward but this is where jealousy has warped my life, it has such a huge hold on me… I’ve seen people go home, not only from the wards but from PICU, people who arrived after us. You watch them leave and you stop feeling happy for them. I mean don’t get me wrong I’m grateful that Lydia is alive and well as that nearly wasn’t the case but I want something positive, for her and for us as a family.
Plus who knew you could get jealous for your child. I see all these pictures of fb of babies with their parents at home or even full term pregnant ladies and all I want to do is sob. My baby was only home for 3 weeks and even them we didn’t get to enjoy them as she started to refuse bottles and we had outreach on our door every 3 days. Her only baby pictures are tubes and wires and I don’t see her being without tubes for a long time to come. It’s jealousy for her, as although she’s too young people will judge and people will stare and I hate that. She’s my precious girl who has done nothing wrong except for carry my genetics (which the guilt will never leave me) but she’s perfect and has fought harder than most to be here… For me!
I don’t know what her future hold, it may be oxygen dependency or surviving crippling dodgy looks as she gets out of a disabled space as she “doesn’t look disabled” I have no idea but I can only hope she’s better than me and can battle the green eyed monster better than I have!
I’m proud to have the honour to be the mum to my tiny miracle!