It’s okay

Two words I’ve uses more than I could ever have imagined to both my husband and my daughter. Most of the time it’s been a lie. I never knew if it was going to be okay but it gave some comfort to my family to hear the pessimist be a bit optimistic. 
Recently in PICU I said it to my daughter. She was ventilated and coming off her sedation so she was more aware of her surrounding. This scared her. It would scare you. One minute you’re having cuddles with mummy and the next you have a tube down your mouth in a weird hospital. She know us but didn’t smile, a skill she had learnt just before being intubated. After weeks of agonising separation one of the nurses said we could have her our for a cuddle. As lovely as this was it was daunting as there wasn’t a part of her without a tube or wire (more than when she was in NICU) but I was desperate to hold my baby.

The whole time I held her she cried. Completely poured her heart out, which hurt me. I couldn’t do anything. I cried. I really didn’t know what to do! I just held her and told her it would be okay full well knowing that we had no idea if she would even come off the ventilator. I also thanked her for fighting so hard for mummy and daddy. Then came the hardest thing I’d ever done  I told her if it was too much we’d still be proud of her but we are more than willing for her to give up and have a well deserved rest with her nana, great grandad and faith (to name a few).

She was suffering and she was telling me how hard it was by sobbing in my arms. She was crying with no sound. Only tears down her face.  

This moment stands put to me more than ever as shortly after that she made a huge recovery and came off the ventilator. 

As a family we’ve given so much for each other. That can never been taken from us. We’ve fought literally for our lives and we’re coming out the other end stronger and more exhausted than ever but we’re the strongest family you’ve ever met. 

Lydia thank you for fighting for us! We cherish every precious day with you and will try to give you a safe and easy life full of love! 

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