One

One

My experience of birth was a MILLION times different to what I had expected, plus contracting pneumonia at 26 weeks wasn’t on the card’s.

Lydia Rose Morgan born 8th February 2017 at 23:59 at 28 weeks and 4 days old. Born naturally and breech (obviously the way she planned to continue. She’s always doing things the wrong way round)

I don’t think I’d ever been so scared in my whole life as I kissed her tiny head as she was taken away to NICU.

One thing I did know was that she was going to be okay. I knew in my heart that she was going to fight through and she didn’t disappoint.

Lydia at one months old (32 weeks) having her oxygen and feeding tube changed over. She was doing so well at this point we thought she would come home off oxygen. She showed us she was a fighter every time we saw her.

Two months old (36 weeks). She was completely gorgeous and loved her sleepy cuddles.

Three months (Term). We got our gorgeous girl home. She was 3.4 kg she wore tiny baby clothes and was in size 1 nappies. She was also on 0.06 liters of oxygen.

We were chuffed to bits! We finally had a full house like its ment to be after you have a baby.

Four months. Things weren’t going too well. Lydia was struggling to gain weight so the feeding tube went back down and we were in hospital.

Five month’s. Still struggling with weight and also not tolerating the amount of milk given to her. I never left her side.

We were shipped off to bristol shortly after this as she was moved to derrifords HDU and couldn’t hold her saturations on opti flow or CPAP. She then fought the CPAP that the watch team hoped to transport her on so she ended up being ventilated and transfered on that. Relying on a ventilator to keep her breathing while travelling for 2 hours in an ambulance terrified me as she was rocked so if something happens she’s too out of it to breathe anyway.

Those memories haunt me to this very day.

Six months. Our toughest challenge yet. Our baby ventilated for a month in PICU in Bristol children’s hospital. (Picture of her on opti flow as I don’t like the ventilated pictures)

Seven months. Still in Bristol struggling to get off opti flow but still being quite happy in herself. This is when she started to show some character like when she was at home. She became our smiley girly again.

Eight months. Ward 30 in Bristol became our home. We tried to make the most of it. We managed to get outdide as a family twice in our 3 month stay and both times were miserably rainy. Obviously…. we live in England.

Nine months. Back to derriford and on low flow oxygen finally! A step closer to home.

Ten months. Christmas and WE’RE HOME!

I have never been able to find the words to describe how I felt walking back through the front door as a family. I was overjoyed but this was all overshadowed by the fear of ending up back in hospital. Every visit from the community nurse sent me into a panic thinking she was going to be taken from me again. However I stopped thinking that way and went for the take each day as it comes approach and before I knew it a month had flown by.

Eleven months. Another wonderful month at home with my baby. Lydia started to become a little person. It’s like the hospital finally left her memory. She is happy and talking like nothing ever happened. She’s 6.61 kg she wears size 3 nappies and is in 0-3 month clothes.

As were currently on the lead up to her first birthday I really can’t believe how much shes done and how well she’s fought. She keeps me going.

I recently read the news about another kardashian baby being born and it filled me with complete jealousy as I find it infuriating that someone like that would get to carry term and spend all day everyday with their child and I had to visit my child in NICU and PICU. News like this always brings out the worst in me but that’s because Lydia deserved so much more. I don’t know of many children who’ve spent 9 months in the first year of their life in hospital and suffered so much pain.

However what I do know is that Lydia is worth it and I cherish every moment with her. I might not have had everything I dreamed for pregnancy wise (for Lydia and I) but I do know that she’s so incredibly special that she’s worth a place on this earth more than a million healthy celebrity babies.

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Life’s a film 

Life’s a film 

If I had to write about my year like they do on the back of DVD’s I think it would go along the lines of this 
“Utterly gripping tale of tragedy”

“I didn’t know what would happen next. I was completely hooked”

“Get your tissues ready as it’s an emotional rollercoster” 

Obviously it would have a 5* review but oh my I wouldn’t wish my year even on my worst enemy. 

The preview would then go like this

Seriously ill pregnant mum is rushed to hospital on 15 liters of oxygen in January at 24 weeks pregnant. She is admitted to the intensive care section of a respiratory ward with pneumonia. Her condition stabilises and they hope to section the baby at 34 weeks however baby has other plans and arrives naturally into the world at 28 weeks and 4 days old. Baby spends 3 months in NICU while mum spends another month in hospital. Baby and mum get home with daddy for 3 weeks in May until they are back in hospital for 5 weeks. Baby is then ventilated and transfered to Bristol, in July, where they spend 3 months and got the diagnosis of SAVI. It is now October and they are back in their local hospital. Will they be home for Christmas? How will they deal with this rare genetic disease? 

Sounds like quite a good film when I put it that way but there was so much more human emotional involved. When you have a baby it’s ment to be happy and lovely time where family come over to coo over the baby that you don’t want to give up. You’re ment to sit on the sofa in pain in your pj’s looking at this little life you created. Instead I got home (with still a very tiny baby) but I had NICU nurses round every other day and because I could tell that they didn’t believe I was a fit enough mum. I made sure I was up and dressed by 8am even if Lydia was asleep. I made sure the house looked nice and then once they left we crashed out together. Life was just exhausting for us as we had support over media ect but for some reason we always get ignored or missed out in person. 

The worst bit about this year is that it was the year Lydia was born. I can think of more bad things than good associated with this year and I always just want to completely forget what happened, however, it’s the year my baby was born. That is a good reason to remember it.

2018 may not be much better for us as a family but I do know that this point next year I will have a happy and loved one year old (nearly 2) and and adored husband whose age I will omit for fear of scaring him! 
I’m entering the new year with a level head, taking each day as it comes with its trials but I plan to make the most of having Lydia at home whenever she is. 

I’m the world’s luckiest mum and I truly believe she’s still here because she fought for Josh and I. 

Happy and healthy 2018 to all our friends and family (emphasis on the healthy for you all)

New beginnings 

New beginnings 

For everyone the birth of a baby is a new beginning, everything changes, literally everything especially having a prem. 

I’ve wanted to write this for a while but I could find the right words. 

Lydia I write this for you.

In August I fell pregnant with you, I was slightly worried but more than anything I was overjoyed, I was growing you in my belly and keeping you safe. I kept working and growing you for the first 3 months with no problems at all, you didn’t even give me any morning sickness! (Thank you for that) Then it all went down hill. Mummy got poorly and fast. I ended up in hospital with a bad chest infection so they thought and I was put on oxygen, only 2 liters, and was put through lots of tests, all of which I did my best to protect you from as I was 14 weeks pregnant and no one really worried about you in my belly so I just had to hope you were okay. I was then sent home 10 days later with oxygen for moving. I coped on that through Christmas and having your 20 week scan helped. Mummy and daddy got to see every bit of you, your heart, your legs, you blowing bubbles and I just grew to love you so much more. However less than a month later I was rushed into hospital barely 23 weeks pregnant on 15 liters of oxygen and still not feeling like I could breath! Again more tests were performed on mummy and I was filled with drugs until I rattled and all I could think about was you! My gorgeous baby who would get some of these drugs into her system because of me and if you were born you weren’t viable, the hospital wouldn’t have tried to save you my gorgeous girl and the thought of that hurt more than any pain my lungs were in. I feared for you, I cried daily for you and worst of all I let you down. 

Eventually we found out I had PCP pneumonia which I had from the first time I was in hospital but no body could find it. I hoped everyday I would get better and everyday I was one step closer to 24 weeks… Each day was a day safer for you! I had daily scans up on the hospital ward and there was a plan to c section you at 34 weeks as that would give you the best chance but you had other ideas. 

I was still in hospital on 15 liters and you were 28 weeks and 4 days and then you decided at 10 pm you were going to send mummy into labour, completely naturally you decided you were ready. However I wasn’t! I was rushed down to delivery with daddy and then at 11.59 you made your entrance and made this world just a little more beautiful! 

I didn’t know what was going to happen. You were born breach into a sandwich bag completely naturally, without time for pain relief  (good job your were little else I’d never let you live that down) but I barely remember the birth (ask your dad if you want more on that) all I remember, that still haunts me to this day is that cry you made as you were born! I couldn’t believe you were alive, it was a miracle! But then you were take away from me as quickly as you had been born. I gave you a kiss on your forehead and away you went. It took me days until I could see you because I was on the oxygen and you were in NICU but when I did see you I didn’t know what to do. You were crying and you were more wires and tubes than baby. I don’t know if you will ever understand (I actually hope you don’t have to) but I expressed at least 8 times a day for 3 months so you could get the best start in life but I spent most of my time expressing while in hospital which isn’t the easiest of places to get privacy as you can imagine! 

Finally I got out of hospital and then nearly 2 months later you got out of NICU! My beautiful baby girl, you put up such a fight in there and I am so proud of you… your daddy and I can never pay you back for what you went through to be with us. We don’t deserve you beautiful. 

I never thought I’d be writing this with you on my chest and the only extra support you need is a teeny bit of oxygen  (0.06 to be exact) and some high calorie milk (which you currently detest and try and guilt me into breastfeeding you every feed but you have a weight gain issue like mummy) 

Finally you are home having cuddles everyday! We can finally have our new beginning.

I’m so proud of you! I’m sorry I let you down and gave you a tough start to life, if I could have carried you full term I would do it in a heartbeat but selfishly I would do anything to have you because you are beautiful and perfect. 

P.s remember through all of this your daddy was incredible! He stuck it out, he came to and from the hospital everyday for 6 month’s to see both of us. He loves us so much sweetie and cooes over you everyday when he comes home from work. He won’t let anything bad happen to you angel!