I’m suffering with massive amounts of jealous-itus (that badly I’m making up my own words)
I’m seeing people with their babies outside the hospital and thinking whys that not mine? I see people come through cau moaning about the last 24 hours in hospital… really try 6 month’s solid… I dreamt of going Christmas shopping with Lydia and getting presents for daddy, grandparents, aunties and uncles but most of all I wanted to take her to my mums grave. I wanted to tell her at the cemetery about the lady who fought her whole life just to spend one more day with us. About the lady who watched over her diligently in picu when we weren’t allowed to stay with her. I want to teach her.
Then I snap myself out of it and think no this is my life. I see all these people living the dream, but, do they have a miracle? No. Do I? Yes.
I’ve missed out on a lot of firsts with Lydia that have been replaced with first echo, first brain scan, first canula, first IVIG… All of these are not the first I wanted her to have but I’m grateful that I get to spend time with her every day.
Don’t get me wrong the idea of might not getting home for Christmas is literally killing me and has had me question what I’ve done wrong to deserve this but I also feel that way for Lydia, what had she done to deserve this… she wants to be on the sofa with mummy and daddy as much as we want her there!
I guess this blog post is for me to say buck your ideas up lady, your baby is alive and well so deal with it but it’s also a message to say don’t take your kids for granted I’ve seen just how quickly and easily you can loose them