Today I woke up flat and completely in slump. Its taken me until 2pm to start doing the housework, which is obviously swiftly undone everytime I turn my back by two tiny little mess elves!
I’ve stopped writing for a while as there’s been so much drama here it’s actually felt like a joke and I just assumed people wouldn’t read my doom and gloom but I’ve reached the point where I need to get it off my chest!
The year started with illness, all of us one week at a time and then it calmed and lockdown began just as I developed a chest infection which caused me to be bedridden for a week, this is completely out of character I won’t even stop when I’m dead I’m that stubborn! After my chest infection Josh deteriorated and ended up with his blood clot in his leg and then one in his leg, that journey still isn’t over. Then Lydia’s oxygen need increased and her community nurse paniced although she was symptom less of anything we ended up with an emergency appointment in under 24 hours, now just a tiny bit of context, we’ve been shielding and the last time we went out Jaxon fitted in the sling and Lydia in the pushchair. Lydia cannot walk distances so I had to throw them both in the buggy only to find it had flat tires… I cried so much when I got home, however I did it and gained no insight in that appointment. Next I went to hospital for a routine mot as I like to call it, xray, lung function and bloods as I have a new respiratory consultant, yay! Then 24 hours later I get a phone call to say oh hi sorry to phone you like this but you have a partial pneumothorax (collapsed lung) in the top quatre of your right lung. Oh. And he thought it was an old one so has probably been there from my chest infection during march. After weeks of checks up and extra text the outcome seems to be I have too much fibrosis (scarring) on my lungs and inflating will be too difficult. Now I’m just waiting to see if my lung will decide to heal and inflate again. Obviously that all goes without saying Covid has sucked too, good ol’ Rona shielding us until August 🙄🙃 even post shielding we are still terrified to leave the house!
I’m so fed up with fighting, everything seems to fall back on me. Lydia’s oxygen increase I have to do these appointments totally unprepared. Josh fell ill and had to isolate and old muggins here has to run the show. Hell even if I’m ill nothing changes and the consultants fob me off to a specialist in Exeter and say I’m on the waiting list but for now just plod along. Its starting to feel like nothing positive has happened since before 2017. There’s been tiny positive bubbles but the crux of it is all rubbish.
All this bad and wobbling for our future has caused me to have Frank Turner’s song Polaroid pictures where the chorus goes
‘So in the stillness of the moment
Make sure you take a Polaroid picture
And keep it with you forever to
Remind yourself that everything changes
But there was this one time
Man there was this one time
When things were okay’
Right now while our health is less than desired and our life is just so stressful I have been looking back at those photos we have where even if its for a second life seems slightly normal or all of our worries go away. The future looks bleak but thats for future Hannah to worry about. Right now I will just enjoy my girly chatting my ear off, Jaxon walking around like there is no tomorrow and snuggling Josh until we realise its the early hours of the morning. Life is made of those simple beautiful moments even when your eyes are full of tears.
littlelifeofalittleme 